He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
