I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
