Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
