Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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