Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
