when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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