so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
