girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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