I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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