I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
