$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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