so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize