If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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