You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
