so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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