I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
