How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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