thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
