Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
