apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
