i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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