So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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