I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize