i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
