the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
