This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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