I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
