Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
