My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
