I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
