no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
