I wish I could teleport
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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