Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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