Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize