he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
