he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
