Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
