I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
