did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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