well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
