I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
