Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
