remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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