OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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