My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
