Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We had sex on a dog bed..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
