i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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