If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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