One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
