After last night, I could never be a politician.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
