I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
