Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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