I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
