it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
