im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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