I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
