you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
