I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
