2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
