I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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