I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
