Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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