Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize