My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize